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I Hate Who I Am

by Luna Canfield

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1.
[A Prayer] With a spark, life starts with a raging flame that just smolders back to ashes just to burn again and the cycle just continues go from shell to shell and at the same time you come out of and end up in hell and the seven vindictive placing limits creating prisons for the lost souls begging and wishing to end the sentence taking everything away and just giving a new name to all the sad, dead, hurt, crying ghosts whose flame burnt out, whose bout was too tough to bear who turned back into a husk and very soon will flare to the next tiny spark in the ocean of names and then the embers go to ash and all go out the same. Come to me, Death, please come to me, Death Oh Death come sooner, please comfort me, Death Run through me, Death, please Run through me, Death Oh Death come sooner please you're all I see left. Come to me, Death, please come to me, Death Oh Death come sooner, please comfort me, Death Run through me, Death, please Run through me, Death Oh Death come sooner please you're all I see left. [Insomnia] Lying there, eyes stare thinking you could die there Fifty-eight hours you've been up and you just cry there. Why's there a screen on it's something you can lean on a shining light that radiates so you can ride that beam on scream on, your mind's eye will keep it at a small cry a whimper so much simpler shiver till your eyes go bone dry then lie there awake and bake away the rain and take a break from crying it's a day to make your sake and reason gotta fake I just gotta sleep I just gotta sleep I just gotta sleep I just gotta sleep I'm already weak I'm already weak I just gotta sleep I just gotta sleep I just gotta sleep I just gotta sleep I just gotta sleep I just gotta sleep I'm already weak I'm already weak I just gotta sleep I just gotta sleep
2.
Solos 02:51
Beep beep beep, you're never gonna sleep with The Sun right in your eyes. But don't fear those tears, don't worry that they're seared because you're already blind. Hop up young one, you can see that big sun go and brush up on life till the day is done I can see your eyes glaze, used to be amazed you see all the good things but your vision is gray so just say the right things, you can grow you some wings just go fly away and sing as the timer rings now hop in your car, you don't need to go far just drive a few blocks down the street Beep beep beep, just tapping your feet as it slows down to a halt there's blood on the street but you're already beat after all, it's not your fault So get up, get up, get up get up to speed I think they finally scrubbed the stupid fucking trash off the street so I can live one more day, I should've taken a hit and wish I never ever had to deal with this shit because it's everyday, everyday, I don't know what for. I could probably just eat all the fucking scraps on the floor Wish I floored it, soared in, poured in a little light from the sun that was in my eyes Beep beep beep, I wanna go to sleep but The Sun's still in the sky Fuck it when I get home I'll finally be alone I might as well fucking die. So just kill me Please kill me Please end me Please feel me Just kill me Please kill me Please end me Please feel me
3.
Every day, I drive past the sun-bleached stop sign. Pink, almost white. The red, gone from the light. Old, with stories untold for decades, unheard and unsaid for decades. As a tear is shed by the same star that turned the plate white and gave it that scar. I'm so close, yet so far from closing my tired eyes for the final time. Or leaving this hell. Red from the same light that took the red away.
4.
Luna 03:50
[Hook] Blackened sky, lights shine in my eyes wish that I could fly Milky white, spotted in the light she is shining bright Blackened sky, lights shine in my eyes wish that I could fly Milky white, spotted in the light she is shining bright [Verse 1] I delayed it, one side once defaced and it can't be mistaken heart is quicker racing. What I'm chasing just can't be replaced and listen to my words, so you've heard, you just can't be sure 'cause the light hits your eyes, leaving you surprised 'cause most of it is going to her. LED's surround me like a screen static everything all black so I see, come to me Let me grow my wings Final will, once my blood will spill this was never real because I'm surrounded by everything but I feel in a bubble still. [Hook] Blackened sky, lights shine in my eyes wish that I could fly Milky white, spotted in the light she is shining bright Blackened sky, lights shine in my eyes wish that I could fly Milky white, spotted in the light she is shining bright [Verse 2] Skin is soft, finally rubbing off what's your final thought? What's this light? Help me through the night I'm you clumsy moth. Lay in bed, butterflies in my head. Words that can't be said I'm neither dead nor am I alive with a single tear I shed. No more recent is my call to light me please don't ever fight me I need her to gaze on me so sightly need to see her nightly I don't fear her, I'd rather be near her let me fly away This longing look and this loving soul will bring me to her one day [Hook] Blackened sky, lights shine in my eyes wish that I could fly Milky white, spotted in the light she is shining bright and she is mine, now she's in the sky never asked her why I'd devote my everything until the day I die.
5.
I Need Help 02:52
[Verse 1] Walk in the fire, I'm tired 'cause I'm nothing Want me to expire up for hire I'm just melting Choke me with the wire, I'll retire God just kill me so give me one last moment chance my life away for one thing. Help me God I'm going down a fire will engulf my crown and I'll just make my final sound around the middle where you're found and now a voice is calling you and now a voice is calling me and every voice inside my head is calling every one thing. Fun thing, sun sing one last chance for running won me, sunny I'm the one you're shunning. Extremities, amenities just sting me like anemones and one last thing you'll never see is one result of every scream so [Hook] Seal me away please Seal me away I need the one thing you can't give away I need your help please Kill me today. Whoever our god is, don't let me stay [Verse 2] Ghost me away, I can't stay so I go, bitch so I show, bitch, you don't know, bitch I'll grow, bitch I don't know my name, I'm the same What's the time, bitch Out of line, bitch, you're not mine, bitch not my kind kinder when I find her at the diner I just ghost away sublimer I'm a miner of the gold that I will hold one day Finer as a crier and a liar so I hide my shame as I just wait for final action I will see one day. I wanna get back up from here and leave this hell and lose my fear holding tight the only one and letting fate shear rope and hear I'll never live the one mistake so pray the lord my soul to take and I knew end is close and near so please just end all of my hate. [Hook] Seal me away please Seal me away I need the one thing you can't give away I need your help please Kill me today. Whoever our god is, don't let me stay [Verse 3] Nightly I find myself in Hell please just ring the bell I'm right here an empty shell please oh wish me well. Sell my soul for one sublime minute of your time God you've got me on your cross so please just tap the nail. One two three I nervously call for a diverted sea that I can cross when I am lost and then I'll thank him wordlessly murder me, further me so I can cross these serpentines and follow you give love to me and let me cry for something Knighted fighting strike of lightning mark the sign the sun has whitened stain it red as it was said and make it so each wrong is righted let my eyes shut, nail the board up fuck it all I'm ready for the final moment finally as the air has fully warmed up Outro: Please God help me I need help, please help me Please God help me I need help, please help me Please God help me I need help, please help me Please God help me I need help, please help me Please God help me I need help, please help me Please God help me I need help, please help me Please God help me I need help, please help me Please God help me I need help, please help me
6.
Night in my mind Fight all the time Write all my thoughts light not sublime No time in me finding me alone with no help I see a ship on the shore, sailing away it's forsaken me. It's making me rich, in my minds eye below it I know it never goes too far without its own chance to show it. Closing it's doors, leaving the shores my stairway has left me, went and packed up to board the ship with no sails, carries wind on the hull. I'll never leave this island now for this is my fall. Kindness found in empty towns is nothing to detesting conscience lobbing hate and evil folk at souls already so despondent finding a way out it seems is futile to my life I see this unending dread in the light where it just seemed so good and right you know yourself but you can't tell, your soul is just an empty shell and finding all the joys in life will just feel like Hell love yourself and no one else they never know your thoughts you mistakes mean so much more to them so you no longer have a clue what to do anymore, back to the shore long for a ship that'll take you aboard Shook to the core, you find no more love in yourself what you waiting for? Friends? they'll be gone. No more are you wrong. so a song that's sung in the deep is seen in a way that is raw. water in the lung it seems so real so we all no that we can love there's something left for you right here you know there's nothing left above No one's there, Nothing;s fair. you'll never find people that care like you do, so give up on it. There's no one left in your life so just leave.
7.
Falling Down 04:55
[Verse 1] Cold sad light, lonely night No angels dressed in white End this fight. Nothing's there One last sight left to share Airy atmosphere and Every time life began You know your god don't care There's nothing there [Bridge 1] Falling down, falling down Falling further, further down Falling down, falling down Falling further, further down [Hook] Fuck it all Fuck it all Fuck it all Fuck it all Fuck it all Fuck it all Fuck it all Fuck it all Fuck It All! Fuck It All! Fuck It All! Fuck It All! [Interlude 1] I swear to god I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna end it right here and now! Pull the fucking trigger you fucking pussy, what are you fucking waiting for? You have nothing to live for. Just fucking do it [Verse 2] Life's unfair, no one cares Coldest drinks, blankest stares Blanket there, winter's hold Whitest ground, seems so cold Seem so bold, you'll be gone Fire up, go beyond Look at the lighter things 'till break of dawn Sonic exploration Or ruling the nation I'm pacing, embracing The fragile rotation It's based in my attitude No light left, have to move Down to the depths of this Unending tomb Doom is the chance and the Stupid romance in a Dance in the room with a Broken wine glass is a Fallacy strong and Unspoken beyond a time When all that's good was just Spoken in song [Bridge 1] Falling down, falling down Falling further, further down Falling down, falling down Falling further, further down [Hook] Fuck It All! Fuck It All! Fuck It All! Fuck It All! [Interlude 2] You fucking pussy. Why are you still here? Why the fuck haven't you ended it yet you fucking piece of shit? Get off your fucking high horse. Just do it already [Verse 3] No more wealth in yourself Pray to god, I need help You can tell, please forgive All that I ever did Fix my wrongs, lose my faith Make your way for my hate Let me waste, find the road For my own fate Chills up the spine, indeed In me you'll find my greed Seeds of the tree don't grow If you don't slay the weeds Feed your own mind so that You pass the time in this Unending world finding Nothing to hide Ride the train, find the name There's a new loss to gain It's all the same to you No love left, now it's true How did you lose it all? How did you grow so small? How did you lose them? It Must be your fault [Bridge 1] Falling down, falling down Falling further, further down Falling down, falling down Falling further, further down [Hook] Fuck It All! Fuck It All! Fuck It All! Fuck It All! [Outro] I told you to do it! You don't fucking matter! Just end your fucking life! no one will miss you! You don't have any loved ones. You don't have any real friends! Just a bunch of people who pretend to care about your problems Just kill yourself. Now! Just fucking do it! You have nothing left to live for. End it! End it now! I said end it. Now!
8.
Right on time. Let's begin. A feather blowing in the wind See I've sinned, I'm just like you. A bend is what I'm turning to Infernal as well, been through in hell what most have felt in life I'll tell that if you bring a bigger boat we'll take a bigger bite A lighter for your little pack of sticks. I'll vanish, do no harm You're famished. Maybe I could give you food, put meat up on your arms Far away? Take the deal my friend, see there's no need to cry Besides, to the universe, you're an atom to an apples eye A liar to trust, and I see you're out of touch Faces and missed places, you can go if you must But I see that you lust for gold, I for spirit Let's make a trade, don't fret, there's no need to fear it Disappearing ain't bad. Out of sight and mind You'll find the same feeling as too much wine And the line is long, so make your decision A short, joyful life, or a long one imprisoned
9.
[Hook] Devil tempt me, Devil tease me Devil help me, Devil please me Devil give me all I want there's only pain where God would lead me Devil tempt me, Devil tease me Devil help me, Devil please me Devil give me all I want there's only pain where God would lead me [Verse 1] You can take me away you can end all the pain you can own me, own my trifled spite for only years of joy repaid Take my heart, take my light my fire in the dark of night I'll give you what I never had if you just end my trifled spite and give me all I want and more and push me through the rusty door Eyes are blackened, skin as satin beg you kneel onto the floor. Let me bask in firelight Curse away the holy might that burned your wings and threw you down so thank you for this blinding sight. [Hook] Devil tempt me, Devil tease me Devil help me, Devil please me Devil give me all I want there's only pain where God would lead me Devil tempt me, Devil tease me Devil help me, Devil please me Devil give me all I want there's only pain where God would lead me [Verse 2] I want you to take me to the sea to come and swim with me and close my eyes and cry myself to sleep and no longer see the road I'm driving, blocked by black under the sun eyes it attacked The blindness is a holy light a night where I am coming back. Happiness is so near You have gave me no fear. They called you the evil one and you just let me see clear. No mistakes, love or hate give me life, you were right. You're my love, you were late, but in the dark you gave me sight [Bridge] Please God forgive me my demons won, please lift me Please God shift me from my hateful sinking. Please God forgive me my demons won, please lift me Please God shift me from my hateful sinking. [Hook] Devil tempt me, Devil tease me Devil help me, Devil please me Devil give me all I want there's only pain where God would lead me Devil tempt me, Devil tease me Devil help me, Devil please me Devil give me all I want there's only pain where God would lead me [Outro] I'm sorry, I'm sorry My demons won today I'm sorry, I'm sorry My demons won today I'm sorry, I'm sorry My demons won today I'm sorry, I'm sorry My demons won today My demons won today I'm sorry, I'm sorry My demons won today I'm sorry, I'm sorry My demons won today I'm sorry, I'm sorry My demons won today I'm sorry, I'm sorry
10.
Greed 02:43
[Verse 1] Night, bright, Moon, Sun Stars shine from above Death, love, shove away Life, breath, too late For this, for you, and for me too We watch it burn and grow anew We see no light, we see no fear I see no time, so don't come near I have all I should want or need but I need more, give in to greed So take it all, don't give away This life, it's yours, so live today. [Verse 2] No one sees it anymore and you're just crawling on the shore and searching for morsels that hide in sand with buried gold galore you'd tear an gore at meat and flesh and lay some weary souls to rest to see that shiny glisten sparkle, in your palms, touching your flesh. [Hook] I want it all I need it all I want it all Now! I need it all I want it all I need it all Now! [Verse 3] I need love and I need flesh and I need soul and I need sex and I need gold and I need heat and I need food and I need sleep and I want drugs to end this pain, a shield to keep me from the rain but I walk out and I get soaked I need it all to keep me same. [Hook] I need it all I need it all I need it all Now! I need it all I need it all I need it all Now! Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!
11.
Kill It 02:33
[Hook] Kill it! Everybody just kill it! Just kill it! Everybody just kill it! [Verse 1] If you will, divide yourself and come supply yourself for a little bit of time so come and find yourself and come and kill it feel it in your heart a spike of steel so real it takes you makes you lose the seal it chills you to the core and takes all your blood you run and you run but it catches up to you and you go back to the sun So you just wallow in hate, and curse at the fates hand. Cry your bloody red tears as you flow past the gate, man. 'Cause heaven's the lie and this your final supply 'cause we live in hell but we can't tell then finally die. so you cry and you cry and just pray up at the sky but the man up there don't care 'cause he just lies and he lies so just [Hook] Kill it! Everybody just kill it! Just kill it! Everybody just kill it! [Verse 2] I hope you see me nightly Stained red, white jeans I hope you come to fight me same said, it's sightly so take the toll, take the role and go make it whole to the soul so we press our lips then we slip on the floor baking with the cold Symbolic we frolic like we've had this love for years then we dissolve it and fall into our own insecure fears and then we choke it out, smoke it out 'till we no longer feel because we're small and we call out until it's no longer clear. We wanna press a blade into our vein that gives a name to taking pain and takes the red like Sol above and takes away our last refrain Insane for thinking high of me, nothing I can show to you I hate you, just kill me cause I have no choice but to fight with you, I'll [Hook] Kill it! Everybody just kill it! Just kill it! Everybody just kill it!
12.
Fuck 01:47
Fluids mix, lemme hit that shit take a massive dick, lemme lick that shit you can take this hit as I'm going down as I lap it up, make your little sound and I'll go to town, rubbing through your walls going in and out, I'm about to fall as you call my name as I take my sight and I plunge in deep and release that life and you shake about as you barely see then you lay there still as you feel your sight and you ask if I'd give you everything 'cause it feels so good and it feels so right and I fuck you deep till it hurts and then take you in my arms as we sleep the night with the windows dark and our minds depend on the shit we take to escape the light I don't love you and you barely love me We both simply choose 'cause we can barely see that we don't love ourselves but we both lost our sight we wish each other Hell as we fuck all through the night.
13.
I'm ready to die cottonmouth needle in my vein I'm ready to fly warm throat I sit and I hide I'm numb to the world I'm despondent and dumb my toes are curled I'm melting and melting and melting and melting away clothes soaked in piss and blood my nose dripping my throat pink from the noose my mind slipping the X is crushed, loose snot and drool dripping on my collar I'm taller and shorter soon, the room melts away away away away away I hate who I am, I stand aside, a fire died inside I lie still as a wire cuts my lights in the dark of night I hide I feel sick Vomit on the floor you saw it no more I'm sore amazed sober loner stone her I hate myself more take my core and crush it mush into slop and throw it in my face you whore 'cause I hate who I am I wanna die I hate who I am I can't cry I hate who I am murder me in my sleep I hate who I am my life is cheap to you and I don't matter my soul is gone I sold it long, long ago so stab me slow so I can feel myself go I'm so alone Yes, I'm so alone I'm so alone I'm so alone I'm so alone Yes, I'm so alone I'm so alone I'm so alone I'm so alone Yes, I'm so alone I'm so alone I'm so alone I'm so alone Yes, I'm so alone I'm so alone I'm so alone I'm so alone Yes, I'm so alone I'm so alone I'm so alone......

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A more personal concept album.

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released December 14, 2018

Credits:
Cover photo: Bahar Undar
Everything else: Jory Canfield

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Luna Canfield Rochester, New York

There is an end to suffering.

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